Summer’s not all about sunbathing on the beach. Take for example a typical week in my life. I might fly to the city on Monday, go to work on Tuesday, take a date to the park on Wednesday and on Thursday and Friday and Saturday, we’ll chill on Sunday. Ha ha! Forget Craig David all over your body, forget Chico, forget everyone, this is Paolo time! But spending that much time rolling around in the grass, I’ve learnt a thing or two about parks, like never to take strawberries and Champagne to impress the ladies. One time, at the band stand, I popped my cork and ended up looking like Leonardo Dicaprio did in Titantic (you know that scene where he’s drowning on a log board?) As for strawberries, try getting that juice out of your white vest and chinos. Daz doorstep challenge can go and try their luck with my neighbour. Jokes aside, one of my worst experiences was forgetting to put my lotion on. I felt like a piece of chicken lying on a barbecue and was getting really worried about getting a white bottom which would totally clash with my red and brown bits. Then there was that guy skin cancer nibbling at my ear. Enough was enough. What kind of fool are you taking me for? I located the girl with the biggest tube of suntan lotion, pumped up my chest and hoped she wouldn’t notice the marks my sunglasses had left. Thankfully she rubbed it in with no questions and asked me where I got my thong-inspired Speedos so she could get some for her girlfriend. Well you can’t have it all my mother used to say.
After that I got thinking – what things can I do in the park without getting burnt. In all honesty, I’m not going to share my tips with you cause I'm a nice guy, it's just the nightclub I was going to has been slapped with an ASBO so I’ve got a few hours to kill while I deep condition my hair. It’s 2007 and getting it twisted is so last season.
1 BASIN BARBECUE
Every park has a public toilet. When you’re getting too hot, or if you want to stay out of the sun light when it’s at it’s strongest over lunchtime, set up your barbecue in the public toilet. The toilet paper serves as the perfect fuel, you can cool down with the taps and a urinal a stones throw away and no-one will want to eat your food now, so more for you.
2 TWO’S COMPANY
You know that dog you can’t be bothered to take out? Fetch the lead now. Love walking your pooch? Get on all fours then. Even if you don’t own a mutt, the great thing about this is you don’t even need one. Make yourself a dog suit out of old curtains, bin bags or carpet. If you’re rich, go hire a costume. With your disguise complete and you feeling all animalistic, go and hang out like a dog for the day. Squat in bushes, run around the trees, lie in the shade and drink plenty of water. No straws allowed.
3 BAND AID
Remember the bandstand I mentioned earlier, well one of my childhood dreams was to be a singer and I’ve always said I’d do it before I became an old man and do it, I did. I threw water over the deck of the bandstand and got my Wham! on. Although no record companies witnessed my performance, I have to admit it was pretty damn beautiful. Me parading around the bandstand like I owned it with loads of honeys dancing in the background. I like to think they were laughing with me and not at me though.
4 ICE ICE BABY
If you see an ice cream van, enquire about work opportunities. You get to watch everything going out, make people smile, meet lots of interesting stunning ladies, I mean people and get paid for the honour. Unfortunately, when I applied, I didn’t have my visa with me which stopped dead my chance of a career dealing 99’s. Being good looking definitely helped though. I would now like a job in rubbing in suntan lotion.
5 WEAR AND WEAVE
Wear and weave I call this. We all know it’s good to wear a hat in the sun, it helps block some of the suns harmful rays for starters, and given my style I go for straw. I’m often told the wide brim suits me too. Plonk a deckchair in the shade and weave replicas of your straw hat with bits of twine and twig. If you finish a wearable head piece, you may even be able to sell it to someone else in the park. Money for nothing and your chick for free!
6 PUT A BLOCK ON IT
I don’t know why I didn’t think of this at first. If I’d just put sun block, or a high factor sun oil, on in the first place I wouldn’t have had to make such a fool of myself, looking for things to do without getting burnt. In the name of research It was worthwhile but next time I go I want to go on a picnic, play tennis, conversate with ladies, drink on the bench with the old men and feel nature between my toes. That's the Paolo way.
